today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
