No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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