Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think i got beer on your cat.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
