"it" just moved
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
