I can't watch pbs sober anymore
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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