I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
