Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
