You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
