i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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