Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
