Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
