Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
