You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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