I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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