my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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