god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she pinky promised me she was 18
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just invented taco cereal.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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