At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
