how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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