Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
