I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
