I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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