So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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