apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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