Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
