I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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