90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
