Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
