I cannot find my penis.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
