her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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