I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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