This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
