my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
