I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
my poor anus
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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