Need sex. Gaining weight.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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