i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
