I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
