Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
