Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
