Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
