i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
