I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
