i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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