Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
