ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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