if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
