He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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