I'm going to jail i love you
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
