i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
