This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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