Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
