I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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