So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
