Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
