I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
