I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
