Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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