How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
