Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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