hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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