I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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