Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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